Hello there, fellow WordPress-ians.
So lately I’ve been thinking too numerically.
Like, I don’t matter. Not really- I’m just a number in this big world- I am nothing. Not really. Out of this whole big bad world with billions of people, there’s me-
Me that hasn’t always been me.
Not skinny, not fat, not tall, shortish, quiet, serious, with frizzy dark hair. People just pass me over, judging me by their immediate perceptions.
I couldn’t care less- not anymore.
I guess this whole ‘I am nothing’ thing started last year. Ah, last year. Last year I was overly emotional and analyzed everything way too much.
I was actually just a normal kid in the ‘in’ crowd last year.
I had a solid group of buddies that I hung out with a lot, I tried to fit in with too-skinny jeans and jackets and I felt great.
Really! I had a best friend-Lean- she was amazing! She hung out with me constantly and
I agreed with everything she did.
Then, she started to change. Gone was the kid who loved to film music videos and sing Beatle songs with me- here she was, addicted to her phone, and her appearance, the latest gossip (stupid drama), and all her girly new friends.
Lean started to become more vain, projecting more time into her appearance and things. And she became more catty in her response to gossip (which I absolutely hate).
At first, it didn’t really matter too much.
One instance we’re real close, and the next I’m listening to her say in that snippy voice of hers, “I mean, I’m not really friends with Sophy anymore. She’s weird.”
I’m sitting there going, Sophy?
What did she mean, weird- aren’t I weird?
Don’t you remember how we all used to be together laughing and just having fun. Don’t you remember? She wasn’t quite to the point of bullying yet- but it felt- wrong….
I mean, come on, people change.
But what got me is that sometimes she would say something and I would be completely ignorant and she’d look at me like ‘what did the cat drag in’.
She thought I was just plain ‘weird’ after a while- I would joke and laugh and she would look at me like I’m some sort of abnormality.
Like, “Yeah, sure,” sarcastic.
I scrambled to get her back- I hung out with (oh , I hate to say it) the popular kids. I well liked kids who ‘fit in’.
I tried too hard to be something that I’m not. (it sounds so stupid and cliche now, as I’m writing this…)
I remember one instance where I was at her house and she made the suggestion that we paint our nails.
I readily agreed- then she started talking about Alex, and how they’d sit and gossip together and paint their nails together- I attempted to act like Alex, but she looked at me funny and I came to a realization that I was just being stupid. Trying to fit in.
I grew apart from her- it isn’t painful to write and read, but it was painful for me- like a string, stretching further and further away, waiting for it to snap.
I didn’t understand it- we were so close, and I felt amazing and she was a wonderful girl from a good family!
Let me explain- now I was in middle school where I met people from new schools.
In the time that I didn’t really want to hang out with my old best friend’s new gossipy friends, I slipped out and hung out with a new girl- Andy.
Now, I had met Andy once before in a summer surfing camp. It was real fun, and I got to have a great time with her. She stuck to me like glue- I was the only person that she knew! I would chat with her and invite her to lunch and just smile with her.
I’m sort of a tomboy….
Soon, Lean just sort of forgot about me.
About me… I am easy to forget, I suppose. We hardly even speak these days, she barely even glances at me. But that was it.
I felt like I mattered to her, you know, I really did.
I thought that I was important…but that was crushed…
In the days when she was my best friend, I had long curly hair which I tried to straighten, a very ‘in’ style, and an infectious personality.
I do have a weird taste in old music and folk-style indie music- which makes people look at me weirdly- and I fierce love for Harry Potter books (which Lean didn’t understand AT ALL).
Anyway, Lean didn’t really talk to me or acknowledge the situation at all. And it hurt. Walking in the quad all alone, hunched down, saying that I was going to return a book (not really) and just sort of feeling separate.
I was the one who used to be well liked, and now I’m not.
This is where Andy comes in- Andy with her curly hair that she wanted (and still wants) to dye purple- dreamy quirky Andy, ever so self-conscious, yet fiercely herself.
Always with her head in the clouds…
She didn’t care about my little quirks and abnormalities, she and I were the mismatch duo. Where Lean and I agreed on everything, Andrea and I had weird little differences.
I was suddenly allowed to disagree, to have my own opinions..
I was still hurting, but with Andy clinging on to me, giving me a hug, and letting her meet her mismatched family, she was a wonderful friend. While Lean was rude to her little sister, Lillian, Andy, Lina and I hung out together sometimes.
Andy would skip down the halls and ask out the boys and dare herself to do silly things in a whirl of things that make no sense.
Suddenly the friendship between Lean and I snapped- my old group fell apart.
Well, Lean, I had to give it to you. You broke my little happy bubble- I wouldn’t be who I am if you didn’t pass me over like an insect.
All this time, my refuge had been the library.
My library at the time had an incredible librarian, Miss Hanforest , who let us be ourselves. Loud and rambunctious.
Suddenly I found myself immersed in such loud personalities, the ‘hell, who cares what they think’ and the confidence to be different.
We were all so independent in the back of that library, but we complimented each other so well. Gradually I learned to step back, take a look at myself, and determine if it was really me walking around, or just some wanna-be.
Big words, big matters, intelligence, and being yourself was suddenly more valued in this new life- a life that I love.
The next year, I felt like- me. Baggy jeans, band tee shirts, Harry Potter, and all. Mind, I was a lonely kid. I went from from a tight-knit group to zippo. A couple vague friends here and there.
I picked up Sherlock and Doctor Who (so glad I did!) and met some friends that I fell in love with. I chopped off my hair into a boycut and read to my hearts content in the library.
It hurt how quickly a life-long friendship was reduced to dust, but I am perfectly fine with being alone.
or so I tell myself…
I almost never invite anyone to my house. I have not hung out with any of my friends all summer nor all school year (which makes me lonely, but happy) and am a complete worrywart, which is just part of who I am.
I’m not shy anymore.
I’m tough- I’m quiet, but when I speak, I know what I’m talking about. People see me as the geek-good girl who reads her books and is a stickler for rules.
I am a band kid (which Lean never understood) that loves to write and draw and go on Tumblr or Pinterest to post fandoms- or dream about magical castles that I once adored…
I dance around when I am at home alone blasting music that I love, or I watch HP scenes that make me cry, or read fanfictions (yes, yes, I know). Sometimes I go outside for a quite place to read. I turned my wall into an art gallery of doodles.
It all sounds great, now that I’m writing this. I’m alone, though, most of the time. I’m forgotten (a lot) and my parents are always on my case about socializing.
Socializing– I am a lot more empathetic than most kids in my grades though…that’s why Lean would always come to me, the wise kid (lol), for advice.
And after that year, I learned never to take anything for granted or wallow in self pity.
Now I’m laughing as I write this- was it really a big deal?
No. It wasn’t really. But it still hurt…
I can feel their eyes, silently judging me. Life is so delicate- as are humans…
What hurt the most, was that she refused to even look at me.
Sometimes I wonder what they’re thinking… but I don’t let myself be sad, really, I just put aside all emotions and just close up into my shell.
I’m not really important enough for people to be thinking about me anyway- I’m mean, I might think that I’m so important, but really?
People don’t think I am shy, not anymore, but I just don’t talk a ton.
Funny, how my class is the most talkative grade- always the need to socialize and joke. I take things too seriously- but I am stubborn enough to stand firm to my opinions.
I really don’t take any crap. Not anymore.
After that year, in the summer, I think I just learned to be myself.
“That girl,” they say, not even bothering to lower their voices, “She is such an emo loner-”
Let me stop you right there- wow. My first glimpse on what people view me- judge me- as is an emo? That’s new. Usually I’m the tough-but-sweet girl, or the quiet artist or a nerd or something.
Why label me, anyway? What good does a label do except separate everyone?
“-she wears black in the summer and looks serious all the time. I’ve seen her.”
Geez, excellent judgment, you idiots.
At this point I had rolled my eyes and spared them an incredulous look. I was in front of two idiots in line…last year I would’ve taken this crap, but this year, I am tired of people labelling me. Not that ’emo’ is bad or anything, its just that I don’t want to be labelled.
“Why’re you looking back for?”
“Excuse me?” here comes my icy tone and death glare
There was this one time when I was talking through that bad-mitten net to a classmate- a short, sallow boy who Lean had hung out with for a while.
“You were Lean’s best friend, right?” he called over, with an unidentifiable look at me.
This boy was the one to give me my infamous nickname as ‘mayo’ and started to call people according to foods.
He was the kind of kid who tried really hard to fit in, but was laughed at for it.
“Yeah,” I said carefully, but then I had the sudden desire to tell him the truth- “Well, kind of.” I burst.
“I thought that I was friends with her,” he said after a pause, “She’s sort of mean to me now…” He looked at me as if I would give him some sort of disapproval.
“She’s not really my friend either,” I confessed.
It was the first time that I had readily admitted it-
I had a sudden flashback to Sophy and shut up.
This is why I shouldn’t talk…
Understanding….I understood…Lean doesn’t greet me in the hallways, or in class. She doesn’t even acknowledge me, nor do I.
Unless she really needs me, I’m of little value. Reusable. I an always be bought again.
Which hurts like a bullet to your heart…
I’m not bothered, not really. I don’t think that it really matters. I don’t matter. I am just a girl that people don’t know very well- not even Lean, not anymore.
We’ve all evolved so much over the years.
Its just, I can’t really remember what its like to laugh.
To have a good, gut wrenching tear jerking laugh. Not anymore. Not in ages….
I thirst for those times, when I find myself utterly alone.
Now with my armor on- not trusting- tough….always on my toes…
I sound like a tired old woman. I don’t act like a kid anymore- I don’t have ‘fun’. I’m just- too serious.
I am no longer a talker, but I am a listener, thirsting for what can’t be.
I’m not that girl anymore.
But I could do with someone who cares…
PS: I am truly sorry that I have not written. I would like to personally thank you for following a bumbling idiot such as me….I am not looking for pity, I just needed to say something about my life, and to write down really clarifies things for me. Also, I have changed the names of everyone from my real life…thank you for bearing with me, readers…